1. Girl: You remind me of the sea.
   Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic

   
   ?
   Girl: No. You make me sick.
2. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
   As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
   When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
   When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
   When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
   "What dear?" She asked gently.
   "I think you bring me bad luck."
3. Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
   The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
   Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
   "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
   "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
4. John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mari.
   "Huh?" John responded.
   "Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"
   "Oh. I'm sorry."
   "You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."
   "Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

5. A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

6. A girl involved with the women's lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet.
   "No, No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said.
   The man replied; "You may insist as much as you like, Lady, This is my street where I get off."
7. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
   "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
   "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
   "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
   "Twenty-six," he said.
8. It's all in the punctuation:
   An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
   The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
   The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

9. Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
   St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
   The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
   St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
   Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
   "That's right! You may enter."
   St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

10. A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
    After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
    She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
    The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u are Trying To call is not reachable.

11. "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
    "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
    "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

12. Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
    Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
    Johnson: "But I want you to."
    Wife: "But why?"
    Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
13. A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish.
    The man said to the genie, "I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii."
    The genie said, "I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?"
    The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."
    The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

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