1. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
   Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
   Man: I offer you myself.
   Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
   Man: I want to share everything with you.
   Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
2. A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
   The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
   The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
   The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
   The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
   The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
3. If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
4. Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
   Student: No, he did it all by himself.
5. A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
   B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
   A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
   B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
6. Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
   Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
   Son: No.
7. Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
   Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
   Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
8. A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
   B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
9. Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
   Johnny: Nothing, sir.
   Headmaster: Exactly.
10. Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
    Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
11. Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
    Doctor: Next please!
12. My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
    So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
13. A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
14. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
    Boy: What are the two things?
    Girl: Your feet.
15. A: I have the perfect son.
    B: Does he smoke?
    A: No, he doesn't.
    B: Does he drink whiskey?
    A: No, he doesn't.
    B: Does he ever come home late?
    A: No, he doesn't.
    B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
    A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
16. A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
    What is a person who speaks one language?
17. Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
18. Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
    Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
19. Said to a railroad engineer:
    What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
    The reply from the railroad engineer:
    How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
20. Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
    Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
    Patient: Will it make me better?
    Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
21. A: Why are all those people running?
    B: They are running a race to get a cup.
    A: Who will get the cup?
    B: The person who wins.
    A: Then why are all the others running?
22. Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
    Student: Well...yes and no.
23. "I was born in California."
    "Which part?"
    "All of me."
24. Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
    Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
    Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
25. Teacher: Why are you late?
    Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
    Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
    Student: No. I was standing on it
26. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
    Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
    Little Johnny: But I asked first!
27. When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
    Phone rings: "Green, green!"
    They answer: "Yellow?"
    They ask: "White?"
    They hang up: "Pink!"
    While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
28. A teacher asked a student to write 55.
    Student asked: How?
    Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
    The student wrote 5 and stopped.
    teacher: What are you waiting for?
    student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
29. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
    "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
    "Wrong number," replied the girl.
30. 
    

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